Brewing

People often ask me "where did it all begin?" For a long time I thought I had the answer to that question. But today when someone new asked me the same question and I smilingly told them about me and you, I realized the answer I was giving was something I came to believe was true and right.

I think even I was finding it difficult to decipher when it all began. What was the exact day this all began? Was there a special moment in that day when we both knew that someday we would be at this beautiful juncture?

I recall that day. That busy evening when we accidentally bumped into each other in the corridor and I clumsily spilled my coffee on the floor, not before a few drops of it made their way to your lime yellow shirt leaving a nasty stain.I apologized; you smiled back and flirtatiously said to me, "it was worth it". Our first encounter and you were flirting already. What was I to deduce about your attitude nature from it?

That day I just smiled and introduced myself and apologized again. Caught in knots, I walked away not knowing what else to do.

In our corridor meetings after that, we would just exchange smiles although I have to admit I wanted to make conversation. On so many occasions that you would see me with a coffee cup in my hand, you would gesture to me to clutch the cup harder, then smile and wink. That was all the interaction we had for the longest time, until one day you noticed I hadn’t once walked up to the coffee machine to give into my addiction. As you went past my desk, I looked up and you noticed me. How did you read my mind when no one else around me was able to understand what was going on? A few minutes later, my phone was buzzing. It was a text message from an unknown number asking me to step out of the office. On an already bad day, I decided nothing could get worse so I stepped out just to see who was texting me. As I walked out the door, I saw you standing there, with a decaf in your hand and an extra ounce of concern in your eyes.

On a day when everything was going wrong, at least one thing was going right.

The decaf worked liked a magic potion; we were having the most pleasant second conversation. Was it that day that I noticed the smile line that appeared on your cheeks? The way your eyes lit up when I teased you. Yes it was, but we didn’t speak about that. You just kept complimenting me knowing that it would help me feel better. After all, I was just an ordinary girl among the special ones. Being the silent observer all this while you had come to learn so much about me, I doubt most others knew.

So many coffees and plenty of conversations later I knew there was something between us now that was drawing us close. I was getting attached. Not only to the attention I was getting from you, but also the affection that came along with it.

Why did it take a misunderstanding, a fallout of sorts for you to realize that there was more to it? This was more than friendship, this was affection, and this was love. Why didn’t you walk up to my street and knock on my door that day to tell me what you felt?

You really did have to pick a rainy night when you were two drinks down to drive up to my street, knock on my door and ask me to let you into my home and back into my heart. That special evening, were we sure that it was meant to be? I’d say no.

For deep down inside, we both knew that it was the first encounter of ours. The spilt coffee was totally worth it…

The Ordinary Girl

" She's just an ordinary girl", his friend exclaimed. "Why are you even thinking about her? We are on a holiday and you have better things to focus on.."

He heard him alright. After all, this was his best friend, giving him advice to stop thinking and start acting. But in his favourite club as the music started to get louder, he started  to get claustrophobic. Something wasn't making sense here. He felt lost in the crowd, so he finally stepped out and started walking towards the beach, his only getaway for now. He would sit there for a while, to sort the thoughts in his head. To find the answer to the question his friend kept asking him that evening. Why was he thinking about her?

After all she was just a simple girl. Someone he'd not known for too long. She was what someone would call a Plain-Jane. A girl who had few colors in her closet and wore no make-up except for the kohl in her eyes that brought out their hazel color. She took no effort to look pretty and made no attempt to draw attention. And yet when she walked into the room, her presence would bring a glow in there. A feeling of warmth, like he was at home, a home he dearly missed. Her perfume reminded him of the smell of the flowers that his mother would bring home after a hard days work. 

Her childlike laughter was so real, unlike those of the women he met on lonelier nights on boring dates. Her work of art was a reflection of her warm persona. The beautiful pastels, the bold brush strokes brought life into the portraits she did. That's how it was so easy for her to impress him. 

So that evening when he asked her out, she politely declined and only after much insistence agreed to. That evening and many more that he spent with her were magical. One of those quiet evenings, as she handed him an early birthday gift. She asked him to open it only later, on his birthday. And on that same night she told him she had to leave. Go back home. She gave him no choice but to let go.

So here he was on the eve of a new year of his life, celebrating with friends yet unhappy. Where was this feeling coming from? Why was he looking for her in the crowd at that club? 

He decided to drive home, to open the present she had got him. As he tore open the paper, he found a small wooden framed portrait of himself standing at the porch of her home. A scene she had captured on canvas, of the day he came home the first time. 

That's when he realized that to the world she may have been an ordinary girl. But to him ordinary was special.

Tainted!

If Love is an illusion, then why does it feel so real?

Giving us the wounds that don't look like they'd heal.

We didn't set out thinking we'd be standing here,

Teary eyed on a bright sunny day....

Love was not meant to do this to us, 

Leave us speechless, hurting and fray.

Because it was love that brought us here,

Why should it be taken away? 

Does the world not understand that without love it would never exist?

Then who are they to pass decree?

Just pawns in the game of chess…

And yet they still fail to understand...

Only Love can make you feel real,

And only Love can break your heart. 

Only Love can cause you to have faith. 

And only Love can tear you apart.

In the written word, they'd say it was patient, pure and kind

The feeling they'd proclaim,

But if our love is pure, then why do they give it a tainted name?

The Shadow!

It's been quite sometime now, since we said our goodbyes. Still I feel a presence lingering around. Shadows of the past, play a trick in my head. Like an illusion they appear and disappear. Then they stay in my head. Guess that's all that's left behind.

I see a strange semblance. Like science attributes the length of a shadow to the intensity of light, I attribute these shadows to the warmth of your memories that cloud my mind and heart. On some bright mornings, I wake up confident, alive and real. Sunshine creeps through the flimsy drapes and wakes me up with a smile as bright as her. On those days I am me. I wear my favorite sundress, put on my sandals, add just a li'l gloss to my lips and set out with a pen and the notebook.

The warm rays of the sun give me a light tan and a lot of happiness. 'Coz I am sitting by the old oak tree, writing. On those days you crowd my thoughts and capture my mind. The memories of the sunny days we spent at the cafe lurk. The coffee.... my notepad ... your scribbles and the laughter. They all come back.

But as the day turns to nigh, when all I have are the stars for company, you silently walk out of my mind. What remains are just dark shadows. Worrying me, scaring me. Leaving me pleading for you to be by my side.

I ask myself on night's like those, if you stay up on dark nights wishing I were there. In a foreign land, where everyone feels like a stranger, do you sometimes call out my name, just to feel safer, calmer. Does it hurt when you revisit the shoebox, that encases the memories we created. Do you wish you'd give it all up, just so you could come back, to me?

If I set out on nights like those, that shadow continues to walk along with me. When dark clouds cover the moon, the shadow disappears. All I see is a reflection of my being in the lake. I wonder if your presence in my life was like that. When darkness surrounded me, you decided to leave.

Those are the nights, when I let your memories be the ray of light, that brings back the shadow.
Those are the nights, when I am sure, I want you to be more than a shadow.
I want you to be my soul...


-Inspired by Nicholas Sparks novel "Dear John"

Velvet skies

She was sitting under a velvet sky, somewhere in the field of gold.
Shared her thoughts with the stars, spoke of secrets untold.

She giggled as she told them of how she embarrassed herself.
And seemed angered on cloudy night.
When she wanted to share her fear, they had vanished and were out of sight.

For about her first love, with no one else could she speak to. 
They'd feel her excitement and her anxiety.
They'd raise no doubts, ask no questions. just lend a listening ear.

And the day she nursed a broken heart, she lay her head on mother earth and cried.
The velvet sky turned grey that day.
Dew drops came down that evening, like the teary stars were putting up an alebeit.

For several days, the velvet sky blanketed her with warmth. enveloped her and sheathed her from the scorching pain.
Then one morning she woke up to the tickling rays.
Radiating an infectious gleam.
The pain was fading away, but to die out it didn't seem.

That night as the sky turned from crimson to dark blue,
the stars shone like they did on that special night.
Trying so hard, to heal so she could start anew.

It wouldn't be too long before she'd give herself another chance.
This time she'd set out, she'd play her song.
She'd find a new romance.

The First Move!

The first move is the most difficult. Once you've gone past that it's a smooth sail. So she had to decide. Whether to make the first move or not. She went through it over and over again, in her head pondering over those thoughts endlessly. Like a defendant would, to plea for innocence. After all her intentions were innocent. As she drifted into her thoughts she remembered how those fears were once a part of her life.

It was one summer, when her parents send her away, to a summer camp. Among the crowd of excited kids, she felt lost. While everyone chatted away and played or just fought for the swing, she crept into a corner. Hugging her little teddy bear, like someone had placed her life in it. He noticed her sitting there. Her big brown eyes were swelling up with tears. She looked at him anxiously. He only smiled back.


The warmth that came along melted her fears. With some courage, she got up then and went up to him and asked him if she could play with him and his friends. He replied that he was also new to the camp and hadn't made friends yet.

From there, there was no turning back. And today, they were inseparable. Yet still it was surprising that he never learned about her feelings.

Her gal pals warned her to say nothing until she didn't know for sure. But like the say that the heart has its own reasons, reason knows none.

So she made up her mind. Today was D-day. She called him up and made plans to go their favourite hangout. Dressed her best, she got into her convertible and drove down, rehearsing in her head what she would say.

When they got there, she entwined her hand in his, and walked towards the Old Oak tree where they first started out. She, rehearsing the most beautiful words in her head. Unaware about the ring he was carrying in his pocket.

Rain down on me

All I wished for was for your love to rain down on me.
Showers. Chilly, strong, cutting like glass.
Yet soothing the heart that is parched.

After the scorching heat of summer,
As little drops of the first rain would come down.
The earth would express her happiness.
While she'd let the beads those from heaven, wash away her sadness.

So also, I glistened, gleamed and gloated.
When you rained your love on me.

Then again, the pearls that sprinkled oh so lovingly,
Turned stronger. Sharp and loud.
Suddenly, the skies got dark, and there approached the thunderstorm.

What would that tender heart do then, but blow kisses in the wind.
And the winds would clear the storm. All that would come down is a drizzle.
Endowed with your affection.

And as time would leap and we'd set out.
A rainy night would turn into a foggy morn'.
The season would change, transpose into frosty winter.
I would ask your love to envelope me.
Sheath me and protect me from the seasons to come.

Destined ..

Her desk had never been such a mess. Just like her Life.

Phone calls kept pouring in, barely letting her take a breath in between. Between those deadlines, meals were being sacrificed. Thoughts were taking a backseat. Life was slowly slipping away. The chair may have given her authority and power, but it was now holding her back. The responsibility that had come along with it, was weighing down upon her, leaving her gasping for life.

Then suddenly she stopped. She sat down took a deep breath and did the unimaginable. She pulled the plug on her phone. Then shut donwn her laptop. And finally turned off her hand phone. The air started to surge back into her lungs again. She finally started to feel like she was gaining control again. She made a conscious decision then to take the reigns of her life back into her hands.

As she opened the door of her cabin, she noticed that she was among the few working at such a late hour. She refilled the coffee mug at the machine and walked back into her office. For a change, she didn't sit at her desk this time, but quietly went to the window and pulled the screen. The tall glass window had an attached wooden shelf with a seat where she comfortable sat. She realized that after what seemed like forever, she was sitting there. Two years had gone by and it was only on day one of her work that she had sat there aand admired the world outside. Today, she watched as the orange sky was turning into dark, the waves were constantly hitting the rocks on a high tide and the skyline was starting to shimmer with street lights. The traffic was begining to slow down. But the traffic of thoughts in her head kept going.

So many questions, so much time lost in looking for the answers that had been staring at her in the face. She was ignorning them all along. Living in disbelief. She was afraid, that emotions would take over and she wasn't willing to give in, back then. So she had to be practical and make the decision.

But today it was all coming back to her. She packed all her stuff. She printed her resignation, sealed it and left it on the desk of her superior. The burden now seemed a little lighter.

In the parking lot, she checked her watch as she walked towards her sedan. As she turned the ignition on, she knew exactly where her destination was. The traffic moved slow, making her wonder if she would get there in time. She turned on the radio, the music made her feel like she was driving into another zone, being transported into a different space. A tear barely escaped. She finally knew why.

She laughed at herself wondering what took her so long to realize. Her dreams of making it big in life were subjective. What made them real was Him.

Today she was ready to challenge her fate. She knew she would find him there. The open theater where he performed every Saturday night. A little fund-raiser event that was running this month where he and his band would play. She had received an email invite to it but with her schedule she thought she would never be there.

She stopped the car, quickly applied some gloss and perfume. As she locked her car, she nervously walked to the seat. The setting was perfect with candles lit all over. She walked in and sat among the crowd. As he tuned his guitar, he looked up and all at once noticed her. In two years he felt she only looked more beautiful. He spoke to the drummer and he understood. As he greeted everyone, he started to strum his guitar playing the first few notes of favourite song.

Life started all over again, and while the day was ending, they were finally on their way to make a new beginning.

I'll Never be Her

You don't see her in me,
That's what you said yesterday,
On that late rainy evening,
As we sat at that little coffee shop by the bay.

In your thoughts she exists, she lives.
She has the smile that lights up your atmosphere.
Her words like a serenade, so engaging that you want to give her a listening ear.

And when you dance, you feel her arms around you,
You want that for eternity that ballad to continue.

You tell me she is an illusion, stolen from your reality.
She is your creation, an epitome of your creativity.

She's someone you are yet to meet.
You say you've never seen her,
It's like you have the glass slipper,
But it's taking time to find its rightful owner.

And I think to myself, I could be all that and so much more,
I bleed.
I'm knocking so hard on that closed door.

It's been some time now.
I think i should let go.
Thought I'd take my chances,
But there was something I didn't know.

So yesterday when those words you had said.
Your words have compelled me to make that bitter-sweet surrender.
I'll continue to be myself.
To you somehow, I'll never be her ...