Tainted!

If Love is an illusion, then why does it feel so real?

Giving us the wounds that don't look like they'd heal.

We didn't set out thinking we'd be standing here,

Teary eyed on a bright sunny day....

Love was not meant to do this to us, 

Leave us speechless, hurting and fray.

Because it was love that brought us here,

Why should it be taken away? 

Does the world not understand that without love it would never exist?

Then who are they to pass decree?

Just pawns in the game of chess…

And yet they still fail to understand...

Only Love can make you feel real,

And only Love can break your heart. 

Only Love can cause you to have faith. 

And only Love can tear you apart.

In the written word, they'd say it was patient, pure and kind

The feeling they'd proclaim,

But if our love is pure, then why do they give it a tainted name?

The Shadow!

It's been quite sometime now, since we said our goodbyes. Still I feel a presence lingering around. Shadows of the past, play a trick in my head. Like an illusion they appear and disappear. Then they stay in my head. Guess that's all that's left behind.

I see a strange semblance. Like science attributes the length of a shadow to the intensity of light, I attribute these shadows to the warmth of your memories that cloud my mind and heart. On some bright mornings, I wake up confident, alive and real. Sunshine creeps through the flimsy drapes and wakes me up with a smile as bright as her. On those days I am me. I wear my favorite sundress, put on my sandals, add just a li'l gloss to my lips and set out with a pen and the notebook.

The warm rays of the sun give me a light tan and a lot of happiness. 'Coz I am sitting by the old oak tree, writing. On those days you crowd my thoughts and capture my mind. The memories of the sunny days we spent at the cafe lurk. The coffee.... my notepad ... your scribbles and the laughter. They all come back.

But as the day turns to nigh, when all I have are the stars for company, you silently walk out of my mind. What remains are just dark shadows. Worrying me, scaring me. Leaving me pleading for you to be by my side.

I ask myself on night's like those, if you stay up on dark nights wishing I were there. In a foreign land, where everyone feels like a stranger, do you sometimes call out my name, just to feel safer, calmer. Does it hurt when you revisit the shoebox, that encases the memories we created. Do you wish you'd give it all up, just so you could come back, to me?

If I set out on nights like those, that shadow continues to walk along with me. When dark clouds cover the moon, the shadow disappears. All I see is a reflection of my being in the lake. I wonder if your presence in my life was like that. When darkness surrounded me, you decided to leave.

Those are the nights, when I let your memories be the ray of light, that brings back the shadow.
Those are the nights, when I am sure, I want you to be more than a shadow.
I want you to be my soul...


-Inspired by Nicholas Sparks novel "Dear John"

Velvet skies

She was sitting under a velvet sky, somewhere in the field of gold.
Shared her thoughts with the stars, spoke of secrets untold.

She giggled as she told them of how she embarrassed herself.
And seemed angered on cloudy night.
When she wanted to share her fear, they had vanished and were out of sight.

For about her first love, with no one else could she speak to. 
They'd feel her excitement and her anxiety.
They'd raise no doubts, ask no questions. just lend a listening ear.

And the day she nursed a broken heart, she lay her head on mother earth and cried.
The velvet sky turned grey that day.
Dew drops came down that evening, like the teary stars were putting up an alebeit.

For several days, the velvet sky blanketed her with warmth. enveloped her and sheathed her from the scorching pain.
Then one morning she woke up to the tickling rays.
Radiating an infectious gleam.
The pain was fading away, but to die out it didn't seem.

That night as the sky turned from crimson to dark blue,
the stars shone like they did on that special night.
Trying so hard, to heal so she could start anew.

It wouldn't be too long before she'd give herself another chance.
This time she'd set out, she'd play her song.
She'd find a new romance.

The First Move!

The first move is the most difficult. Once you've gone past that it's a smooth sail. So she had to decide. Whether to make the first move or not. She went through it over and over again, in her head pondering over those thoughts endlessly. Like a defendant would, to plea for innocence. After all her intentions were innocent. As she drifted into her thoughts she remembered how those fears were once a part of her life.

It was one summer, when her parents send her away, to a summer camp. Among the crowd of excited kids, she felt lost. While everyone chatted away and played or just fought for the swing, she crept into a corner. Hugging her little teddy bear, like someone had placed her life in it. He noticed her sitting there. Her big brown eyes were swelling up with tears. She looked at him anxiously. He only smiled back.


The warmth that came along melted her fears. With some courage, she got up then and went up to him and asked him if she could play with him and his friends. He replied that he was also new to the camp and hadn't made friends yet.

From there, there was no turning back. And today, they were inseparable. Yet still it was surprising that he never learned about her feelings.

Her gal pals warned her to say nothing until she didn't know for sure. But like the say that the heart has its own reasons, reason knows none.

So she made up her mind. Today was D-day. She called him up and made plans to go their favourite hangout. Dressed her best, she got into her convertible and drove down, rehearsing in her head what she would say.

When they got there, she entwined her hand in his, and walked towards the Old Oak tree where they first started out. She, rehearsing the most beautiful words in her head. Unaware about the ring he was carrying in his pocket.

Rain down on me

All I wished for was for your love to rain down on me.
Showers. Chilly, strong, cutting like glass.
Yet soothing the heart that is parched.

After the scorching heat of summer,
As little drops of the first rain would come down.
The earth would express her happiness.
While she'd let the beads those from heaven, wash away her sadness.

So also, I glistened, gleamed and gloated.
When you rained your love on me.

Then again, the pearls that sprinkled oh so lovingly,
Turned stronger. Sharp and loud.
Suddenly, the skies got dark, and there approached the thunderstorm.

What would that tender heart do then, but blow kisses in the wind.
And the winds would clear the storm. All that would come down is a drizzle.
Endowed with your affection.

And as time would leap and we'd set out.
A rainy night would turn into a foggy morn'.
The season would change, transpose into frosty winter.
I would ask your love to envelope me.
Sheath me and protect me from the seasons to come.

Destined ..

Her desk had never been such a mess. Just like her Life.

Phone calls kept pouring in, barely letting her take a breath in between. Between those deadlines, meals were being sacrificed. Thoughts were taking a backseat. Life was slowly slipping away. The chair may have given her authority and power, but it was now holding her back. The responsibility that had come along with it, was weighing down upon her, leaving her gasping for life.

Then suddenly she stopped. She sat down took a deep breath and did the unimaginable. She pulled the plug on her phone. Then shut donwn her laptop. And finally turned off her hand phone. The air started to surge back into her lungs again. She finally started to feel like she was gaining control again. She made a conscious decision then to take the reigns of her life back into her hands.

As she opened the door of her cabin, she noticed that she was among the few working at such a late hour. She refilled the coffee mug at the machine and walked back into her office. For a change, she didn't sit at her desk this time, but quietly went to the window and pulled the screen. The tall glass window had an attached wooden shelf with a seat where she comfortable sat. She realized that after what seemed like forever, she was sitting there. Two years had gone by and it was only on day one of her work that she had sat there aand admired the world outside. Today, she watched as the orange sky was turning into dark, the waves were constantly hitting the rocks on a high tide and the skyline was starting to shimmer with street lights. The traffic was begining to slow down. But the traffic of thoughts in her head kept going.

So many questions, so much time lost in looking for the answers that had been staring at her in the face. She was ignorning them all along. Living in disbelief. She was afraid, that emotions would take over and she wasn't willing to give in, back then. So she had to be practical and make the decision.

But today it was all coming back to her. She packed all her stuff. She printed her resignation, sealed it and left it on the desk of her superior. The burden now seemed a little lighter.

In the parking lot, she checked her watch as she walked towards her sedan. As she turned the ignition on, she knew exactly where her destination was. The traffic moved slow, making her wonder if she would get there in time. She turned on the radio, the music made her feel like she was driving into another zone, being transported into a different space. A tear barely escaped. She finally knew why.

She laughed at herself wondering what took her so long to realize. Her dreams of making it big in life were subjective. What made them real was Him.

Today she was ready to challenge her fate. She knew she would find him there. The open theater where he performed every Saturday night. A little fund-raiser event that was running this month where he and his band would play. She had received an email invite to it but with her schedule she thought she would never be there.

She stopped the car, quickly applied some gloss and perfume. As she locked her car, she nervously walked to the seat. The setting was perfect with candles lit all over. She walked in and sat among the crowd. As he tuned his guitar, he looked up and all at once noticed her. In two years he felt she only looked more beautiful. He spoke to the drummer and he understood. As he greeted everyone, he started to strum his guitar playing the first few notes of favourite song.

Life started all over again, and while the day was ending, they were finally on their way to make a new beginning.

I'll Never be Her

You don't see her in me,
That's what you said yesterday,
On that late rainy evening,
As we sat at that little coffee shop by the bay.

In your thoughts she exists, she lives.
She has the smile that lights up your atmosphere.
Her words like a serenade, so engaging that you want to give her a listening ear.

And when you dance, you feel her arms around you,
You want that for eternity that ballad to continue.

You tell me she is an illusion, stolen from your reality.
She is your creation, an epitome of your creativity.

She's someone you are yet to meet.
You say you've never seen her,
It's like you have the glass slipper,
But it's taking time to find its rightful owner.

And I think to myself, I could be all that and so much more,
I bleed.
I'm knocking so hard on that closed door.

It's been some time now.
I think i should let go.
Thought I'd take my chances,
But there was something I didn't know.

So yesterday when those words you had said.
Your words have compelled me to make that bitter-sweet surrender.
I'll continue to be myself.
To you somehow, I'll never be her ...

The Surreal Silence

I wonder if I'm annoyed with you or mad at myself. Your silence and your absence has transgressed into my confusion and dilemma. And now I'm questioning the thoughts in my head and quizing the feelings in your heart.


Sometimes I vent out my angst. At other times, I shut the world out. In my heart, a little desire cries out loud, to deafen me. She screams, she yells. And when she has lost all strength, she moves to the corner of my heart and weeps silently. She quietly curses the hope that was once awakened, when you had first walked in.


She tries hard to convince herself that all that happened was just an illusion. Surreal.. too good to be true. And hope feels bad for her, so it flickers in her heart. For a moment, she feels the nostalgia. Then, its gone.

Fighting so many emotions isn't all that easy. All I want is for you to break that silence. Maybe the assurance of your words would bring that peace. Maybe you convincing me that those were just hallucinations would help. Then again, I question myself. Do I really want hope to be murdered by the brutallity of his words?

Made for each other

He was like the rainbow. The bold streaks of colors that made her grey skies look picturesque after a rainy day.

She was like a wicked asthma attack. Took his breath away, left him gasping. No medication could cure this ailment.

He was like the song that played on the radio early in the morning. Once it got into her head, it would just not get out. She'd unknowingly hum it as she walked down the road, only to realize that someone walking past her would give her a look and she'd smile sheepishly in embarrassment.

She was like the old t-shirt, that he would just not want to let go off. It made him so comfortable that he would wish he could keep it with him, no matter how old it got.

On some days, she was like a pup on a cold winter night. She would try to reach out to the window, yelping for a little warmth. He would put out a bowl of warm milk. Yet not take her inside his home so she could sleep by the fireplace.

On other days, she was like a fish in the glass bowl. Being present in the same space wasn't much of help to him.

But at the end of it all, they would just sit across the table knowing what's going on it each others mind. Their gestures would do all the talking. So it seemed only logical for this to happen.

They both decided to confess their love for each other on the same day, at the same time, at the same moment.

They were truly 'Made for each other'.

Shall we Dance?

It was the same place, but the moment was different. The time had passed. But it lingered in her head. And as she was sitting at the table, her thoughts transported her to that evening, when everything seemed so surreal.

He walked towards her, not sure if he was doing the right thing. After all this time, he still felt she was like a book of mysteries, every chapter ending with a suspense and the new ones begining with a discovery... But somewhere deep down inside he felt that if he didn't do it today, he would never get the chance to again. She saw him coming towards him and suddenly she was alert. Her pretense of conversing with her friend sitting with her at the same table, just wouldn't work. He knew she had become aware of his intentions. So when he got to the table he held his hand to her and said "Shall we Dance?"

She gracefully took his hand and as the walked towards the dance floor she felt like she was being glided into another world where it would be just the two of them and no one else.
One ballad after the other, they danced. He held her as though she would disappear if he let go. She held on to him like her life depended on it.

With a coy smile on his face, he whispered sweet nothings in her ear, praising her dancing skills, complimenting the look she had choosen for this evening. And then he said those magical words, that made her evening, her day and her life worthwhile. He said he wanted to make this companionship something he can keep for a lifetime.

Today, as she watched that teenage gal dancing with a boy, she recalled that beautiful evening when she had her last dance with him... only wishing that it wasn't ...


- Inspired from "Nights in Rodanthe" by Nicholas Sparks

Dedicated to that smile

This is what I dedicate. Dedicate to that smile.
That was not just a gesture. That stayed on, on your face for a while.

That I first saw when I noticed you watching me from the corner of your eye.
That I almost immediately fell for when you flashed at me when that day we said goodbye.

It was about a bright sunny noon, when the April sun was cruel.
We sat by each others side like strangers and yet like friends breaking every rule.
And in sometime, we just knew. That the journey would take us askew.

It was because of that innocent smile. That was on my lips for a while.

And that evening, we said goodbye, we walked away towards the road would lead us from here.
But then you turned around and so did I. Our gazes met and there came on that sheepish smile.

That smile on your face that said this was meant to be. A new chapter in my book of destiny.

And now when we sit by the sea and watch the moon rise. I let you hold my hand and feel your smile.
I carved that moment in my head, for this day to write a few beautiful words that I would dedicate to it.

The Healing

Last night I dreamt again. I was in a field of sunflowers. The early morning rays of sun were kissing its cheeks. As I walked through the field I felt them smiling at me, letting me feel its color and breathe in its beauty. Like a little girl, I felt them embrace me. And I wished, I could sit there until time turned around.

In a flash I felt like I had travelled miles. When the fog disappeared, I found myself waking up in at a cottage at the top of a hill. And as I rolled away the quilt, my feet touched the cold wood beneath tickling me, forcing me to bring on a smile. I opened the window to a picturesque view of a snow-capped peak, the greens and wildflowers creating a contrast of colors that a famous painter must have once captured into his masterpiece.

And in a flash, I was transported to another scene. This time I was sitting by the sea-shore. Where I sat on the sand, the moonlight and a million stars shone down on me. In the warmth of the sand, the waves would come to my feet and gently tease me, luring me to play with it. The horizon seemed to be glistening in the moonlight, radiating a spirit that I captured in a poetry.

But then I woke up to reality. In my night's dream, I let nature heal the wounds that were soaring. Taking all the hurt away.

I realized this is what I wanted for a long time. I'd come back from summer holiday of my dreams.

Guardian Angel

She was surprised. In fact, shocked. It was happening to her one more time ...

For a long time she felt that every door of opportunity was closing on her. But suddenly a wave of positivity was surging in. For now, when one door shut her out, many others would open.

She considered it to be a mere coincidence first, but couldn't absorb that explanation. The thought of Lady Luck smiling on her also crossed her mind, but since she didn't believe in Luck, that explanation too was discarded. So what was it then. "Was it Karma?" ... she asked her inner self ...

Her life was being driven in a new direction. She slept with a smile on her face, after having thought about the days happenings and counted her blessings. She felt like those untrodden paths were easier to walk on. Even if she were to be walking alone on the journey.

The fear of the obstacles coming in the way and separating her from her destiny would always be there. But those fears that crippled her dreams seemed to disappear. That's when she realized that it was her Guardian Angels who were making their presence felt in her life. They were the ones who were holding her hand and dissolving those fears like salt in clear water. Letting it become one with her confidence, her aspirations and her life ...

"I walked all alone with the fear of not making it to my destiny,

But now you've made your way into my life,

Sometimes like a mother, who would silence the storm and wipe those tears....

Sometimes like a father, who'd smile and let me hold his little finger and continue walking...

Sometimes like a sibling, whose presence would be enough to convince me that I have the ability to make my way, even if I was alone ...

Sometimes like a friend, who'd would call me crazy ... to worry about where I was heading .. more often demeaning their own being, to boost my spirits ...

For if it wasn't for all these, I'd be in Paradise. Wondering why I didn't do more with the blessing called life ...

You were there with me all along,

You were my Guardian Angel in Disguise ..."

Have you ever felt like this ????

Have you ever felt this way ???

You are in a situation where everything is going great ... You feel you are this is the right time and the right place ... everything about this feels right .. yet there's just one thing that can separate you from this thing you are going after ...

And that one thing doesn't have to be something big ... just something that you know would make a difference ... then you think .. maybe the impact won't be so bad .. it will surpass .. but that fear still lingers. If it's impact is bad then who would be responsible for it? and who would make sure that life, feelings, emotions, routines, relationships and everything else would still remain the same ....

That's what so many people think about when they are about to say those words

"I think this is Love... " ....

20 questions

I wonder how you do it. Every single day of the year.

Unlock the door to your house and make a quiet entry into the home you call your own ...

How do you walk into an apartment where there isn't someone to smile as you walk in. Or give you a bear hug and ask you what took you so long to get back, not coz she wanted to nag you but just coz she missed you while you where away.

How do you live that moment ??? When your favorite love song plays on the radio in the backdrop of a moonlit night and you see no one whose hand you can hold and dance in the hall. No words said, no expressions, just you and her. The music and the moment.

How do you share your laughter? When you think of some silly event that happened in the course of the day, that you felt was incredibly funny.

How do you hide a tear when you long for her? But see no one around.

And when a nightmare awakes you, disturbs you and gets you worked up, don't you look for someone you could roll across to give a warm hug and sleep peacefully?

Who pampers you when you don't find the strength to get out of bed? Weary and ill. Who wakes up in the middle of the night to help you with a warm cup of coffee?

Whom do you play your best-played tunes on the guitar to? Do you wish someone would sing along when you do and chuckle when you started to sing and deliberately sang the wrong words ?

Do you hear laughter when you sing out loud in the shower, soaping yourself and suddenly realize that the tap has run dry?

Does someone yell at you when you come back home late from a party and not so sober?

Who completes those lines, of the beautiful words that you pen down when you get a writers block?

Who sits next to you, by the candle light, when there's a power-cut on a boring evening?

Do you wish that the time stood still when someone would kiss you goodnight?

All those questions said and done,

I think I have a final one ...

HOW do You Live ALONE???????

Currently Reading

Reading books was never really a hobby until my teenage years when I started travelling from Home to college. Thankfully, being a lonely traveler (and by that I mean travelling minus a big group of 'train' friends) meant I would have a book to give me company when college friends weren't around.

These days I get completely submerged into the book .. often not realizing that I've reached home ...

So here's a Lil section where I recommend books and review those that I read ....

Currently reading:

The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks

I'm not much of a romance novel reader .. but since I loved the story of The Notebook ... I couldn't help picking up it's sequel ... Have completed just 50 pages .. and its been great ... Will write a complete review later.....

1st March 2010 .... 12.18 am .........

Considering that I had nothing else to do this weekend .. I finished reading the book ... yes .. I did stay up until 2 am wanting to read it thru the night .. but my eyes wouldn't permit me .. anyways I completed it today ... as I read the last few words I wished that there was more ..

Although I consider myself a die-hard romantic, I don't read romance novels ... but Nicholas Sparks books are something that makes my idea of romance come alive thru his characters. This story is all about how love sometimes takes second place in our busy lives. The characters, especially the main protagonist and his wife, have been crafted beautifully. Won't tell you the story, but am gonna leave behind an excerpt of the book .. some lines that moved me .... (I have the book ... so if you know me , borrow it .. will be glad to share it with you ... :)

Excerpts :

"And that's what the most wonderful feeling in the world. How many people are ever given that chance? To have someone you love fall in love with you over and over again."

"It's funny, but have you ever noticed that the more special something is, the more people take it for granted? It's like they think it won't ever change"

Me, Mua and Myself :)

" Hi! I'm ******."

"And you .... " I'm Di-ana" ...

"Didn't get that..."

I said " DI(e) ANA" ...

"Oh you mean " DI(h)Na" ....

" Yes .. but ... well it's DIANA".

" O'rite .. got that ... Di-Nah"

I just smiled back at Him politely ... and in my head I cribbed one more time about why the pro-nun-ciation of my name is sooooooooooo difficult :)

"So tell me more about you .. " I pondered on whether this conversation was worth continuing ... since I did have some time to kill I said what the heck ..

I told him about my professional life (which is just about 75% of my life :P ) .... Then came around some questions about personal life ... Careful not to give him too much detail, I mentioned a few things about home, hobbies, music (don't consider music a hobby .. it's more like the other 25% of my life or maybe more) ... And summed up my entire life in 5 lines .... All he did was shook his head (probably not following half of what I said considering the pace of my speech)

Post the conversation, (as usual) I drifted back to my thoughts ... And as I walked down the calm lanes of the town-side(what we Mumbaikars like calling this part of town) towards the train station with a lil slow rock music for company ... I wondered if my identity had summed up to just an employee of a creative house ... where was the girl who was sooooo much more than that??

Had wee(a)kdays of work taken away her ink pot of thoughts that she was put into beautiful words on paper....

Had late nights and early (not very early) mornings deflected her heart from discovering a new song that she hummed through the day ????

Had the routine life stopped her from capturing those special moments in celluloid (or in this case .. a memory card on the Digicam)

The goddess of Hunting had killed her instinct to live life to the fullest ...

So never mind this realization 1 and half month post the new year ... I decided to make a resolution ... to bring back the same Di-ana .. who likes to spread the cheer ... the music and festivities ...

even on an odd day at work ... :)

Knock Knock ....

So you are walking back towards me, while I've drifted away.

You come knocking on my door again. I tell you I ain't sure I can let you back into my life...

For years I wished you would be here and you would make a lil appearance and then disappear. Like dew drops on a maple leaf on a summer morning.

So many nights as I stayed up ... and wished for you to be by my side. All I felt was a tear on my pillow ...

I wanna let you in now, but I realize you come with your good and bad.

You promise me a lifetime of smiles, hiding away your cruel intentions.

So I ponder whether I should open the door. For you to enter my heart.

In a HeartBeat

A thousand warm sunrises,

And a million moonlit nights.

A few pleasant surprises

And a few betraying lies.

A sonnet and a song that makes you smile,

And a book of secrets that you could read for a while.

A dream that we'd seen together,

and a nightmare that we'd buried in those dark moments forever...

A childhood memory and a teenage crush,

A little teddy bear and a photograph that made you blush...

A magic trick and a finger-licking dish recipe,
A pack of cards and an old apron that was once burnt by me ...

a few guilt feelings, a few prayers,

and a lifetime of love ....

All that and everything you pack away ..... As you set out out on a new journey called Life

You walk away with a bag full of these .... I treasure the shadows ..... in a heartbeat

- Dedicated to 2 special women in my life :)